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A teacher puts some rocks in a jar and asks his class is the jar full? Yes, they reply. Then he puts in sand and they see that the jar wasn’t full before and say, “Oh now it’s actually full.” Then he pours water into it and they really learn the lesson…. that is how I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Not just a few big rocks, or a little sand, I want to be full to the brim till there is no more room and I overflow Holy Spirit!

I begin at the end of myself… About a year ago it started. That little voice in my head that talks to me all the time. Usually it tells me everything negative about myself. Over and Over and Over again. I had had enough. Something had to change. That little voice kept saying: Go to Church. I pushed it out of my head. My 2 year old was starting to reflect me and I didn’t like what I saw. I was pregnant with my second and although excited my hormones were getting the best of me. Desperate for something more I watched Oprah and Tony Robbins was on… that’s IT I thought. I made some calls… nope not the answer I was seeking. The little voice says” Go to Church”. I push the thought out of my head yet again. This pattern continues for months till I finally write Church on the large white board next to my bed that houses all my reoccurring thoughts, desires, and inspiration. Don’t know why? Don’t remember what day it was but it was time. I went online searched for churches around me. Genesis- it’s close I’ll try it. Good experience but that awkward even though I grew up in church I know nothing about the Bible feeling tingled throughout my body. Something magical happened though. As we were singing I just started crying, out of desperation, out of a sense of belonging, out of a feeling of joy… or maybe it was just the pregnancy hormones. But that was it- God had chosen me. Reached into my life and started to transform me.

He immediately delivered some comfort in the form of what I will refer to as “the back row women”. You know, all the women with little kids who sit in the back so they can dash out at a moments notice. They were open, kind and accepting.

In my overly logical mind, I established you can’t just go to one church and “that’s it” you’ve got to shop around so the next week I tried a different church. Bad experience! I literally left early to make it to Genesis in time for their service. What how had I gone from no church to 2 church services in one day? Yipes!

Just like everything in my life I wanted 110% and I wanted it ALL right now! So I did as I always do and completely immersed myself. Started listening to Bott radio network, reading the Bible, checking out all sorts of web pages, tried to get involved in every class and event the church was doing but God wouldn’t let me get over immersed. He kept reigning me back in so as not to get burnt out.

As I keep reading, getting involved and learning I continue to grow and develop. However my husband is not on this journey with me, which just rips my heart out. I know it’s in God’s hands and I continue to pray, and continue to see God work on softening his heart, but it takes patience. I know God will prevail.

So what inspired me to start this blog… well… because I am at the end of myself. I am laying it all down and handing it over to God. This blog is my way of communicating with God. If you come upon it and it helps you fantastic! If it helps spread the gospel- even better because biblically that is what we are all called to do. But mainly this is for me cause God already knows what I’m thinking… I just want to be strong enough to confess and admit and track my growth.

Today’s prayer: Oh Lord, Change me! Forgive the hardness of my heart, my inability to forgive, my anger, my overwhelming need for control. My constant worship of wordly things. Bring in my family, a love for you, a united passion to follow your calling. To share the Gospel and help the poor. Do this through whatever path you know is right. I feel your calling for me to quit my job and spend all my energy serving your will. Give me the strength to keep the faith that you will provide. Your grace and mercies are endless. In your name I fall to my knees! Amen.

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